I hate cleaning the fridge and I swear that I am the only one that ever does it in this hell pit. I hated it the first time I did it, I hated it the second time I did it. If I want to convey anything in this article, it is hatred.
This is how it begins. A dirty fridge overflowing with wasted food, so that these Goya olives fell off the top shelf from crystal air one day in 90+ degree July, splattering the floor and my feet with rotting olive juice. We will not forget these olives, this catalyst, because it created a fine backdrop to all the other crappy pictures to follow.
Fittingly few items were disposed from this refrigerator from the last cleaning and this one. There are, in fact, dozens more pictures than the last article. Its almost as if the first cleaning never happened. As if nothing got thrown away.
This is milk is on the cusp of expiring. From the look of the picture, about one one-hundredth of the container was filled. This was kept in the fridge due to laziness. There is no other excuse.
Eggs & Cream
Oh this was a funny one. If you look at the picture you might be able to deduce what happened. See the expired cream was stuck to the expired eggs, so as soon as I lifted the cream out of the refrigerator shelf, the egg carton came along and promptly opened up. And then the eggs fell on the floor. So I got to clean them up and throw them all away.
Sabra Supremely Spicy Hummus
I haven't bought hummus for over a year now. This was not mine. Whoever bought this didn't eat it and they let it sit in the refrigerator. I wouldn't have bought spicy hummus anyway, I imagine it would be nasty. Its a pure waste.
This was probably decent ketchup but its stupid to own this. Everywhere around you stores are practically throwing ketchup packets at you. Fancy packets too. Instead we just leave it open in the living room until it separates, then put it in the fridge as if its still good.
Brown, liquefied produce, sitting in the fridge. Someone bought this and intended to eat this, but didn't. I don't even know what it was. But Its garbage now.
Polish Cream Cheese
I remember wanting to use this with chicken, but it didn't turn out very good. Or else I didn't really know how and also the cheese was kind of meh. Either way, I didn't and here it is being thrown away.
Expired Milk - 3 Months
This is milk that has expired, from March. The picture suggests that it is just barely filled. At some point maybe we intended this to be recycled, but it's too late for that now. It is destroyed with the rest of the garbage.
Classico Tomato Sauce
It is possible that this could have been anyone's, but since I am the only one that knows how to make pasta it is surely likely mine. It is custom in certain circles to empty these out and reuse them as valuable drinking glasses, but today nothing is saved. Only destruction.
Leftover Chicken and Rice
Yup. Chicken and rice. Mine again. I remember this meal I do, because I can see the bulb onion top I added to the mix. It must have been real good, this rice.. but not anymore.
I remember this thing. It was bogarted from a Park Slope xmas party and brought home. It was alright, this cake. And a mere 6 months old. Cake isnt very good aged, nor is it valuable. In fact it turns into garbage. Which is right where it belongs.
No date is readable on this one, but we have some pretty good separation going with this one. It's interesting when you can see the milk fat actually settle to the top of the carton. The yellow color is due to the bacteria colonies growing inside, feeding off the oxygen left in the air of carton and the nutrients of the milk.
Expired Milk - 3.5 Months
See milk is made up of tiny milk fat globules suspended in a protein-rich liquid. As fat is less dense than water, when it separated, it tends to float to the top. Depending on the concentration of this milk fat (1%, 2%, etc) you may have a small ring of fat towards the top, or none at all.
Expired Milk - 4 Months
As milk continues to expire, the naturally residing milk microbes will continue to grow and reproduce. As they multiply, they give off carbon dioxide which will sometimes results in a stiff, bloated carton. These microbe colonies also create lactic acid, which will change the structure of the milk proteins into curds, separating themselves from the liquid whey above.
Expired Milk - 3 Months
The majority of milk that we consume from the stores go through a process of pasteurization, which aims to reduce the amount of harmful pathogens in the product. Where sterilization completely destroys all bacteria, pasturization does not.
Expired Milk - 6 Months
Its is actually possible to make you own cheese from expired milk. What you have to do is pour off the whey (liquid) from the curds (solid) and mix it with salt. Then wrap the mass with cheese cloth and squeeze out the excess liquid. Let sit for a few months in a dry area, and voila! Homemade cheese.
Expired Organic Milk - 6.5 Months
In normal cases, however, the type of bacteria that resides in milk after pasteurization is not likely to produce good cheese. Bacillus cereus, for instance, is commonly left behind after pasteurization, which creates a harmful toxin and leads to puke and smelly diarrheas.
Anyway. Mayonnaise. Goodbye mayonnaise.
Roland Baby Corn
Someone bought this. Why? I would only have added this to stir fry but we don't own a wok anymore. At this point it just doesn't matter. And I'm sure it was rancid.
Half-Jar of Olives
A jar of olives that were bought months ago to aid in the construction of gin martinis. From Gardenville. These were not bad olives- they were just underused so they got thrown out. These olives might have still been good who knows- but they are gone now.
Other people buy sour cream, not me. I don't know why. I have very little to say about this except that I threw both of these away.
Expired Milk - 3.5 Months
O look here. More milk to be thrown away. Does anyone want to know more things about the chemistry of milk going bad? Awesome. So when we say sour milk, it is because it has literally become more acidic with lactic acid as the milk sugar gets used by the bacteria colonies. Just like how we taste the citric acid in sour candy, we taste the lactic acid in sour milk.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Rotten Potatoes in bag
I think these are potatoes I think. They have to be, because I remember owning extra potatoes for a while that I never really intended to use. I may have used the previous potatoes in a crazy Indian dish that was surely delicious.
I decided to buy this cheese because I've never seen dill cheese before. Bought for eggs, I guess. What can be said about this cheese, except that I had to throw it away because I didn't eat it quick enough.
I remember vividly when Rob bought this, brought it home, and shared it with everyone. He bought it pre-cooked but what I didn't anyone realized was that this was only about half cooked. The picture above doesn't show it but I tell you it looked cooked.
It was stupid to let this bacon waste the way it did. I regret it to this day. I am getting hungry right now thinking about it, looking at the picture. I have half a mind now to buy a spiff of bacon and fry it up right now. Instead I'll eat some bread.
Chinese food Pineapple
WHen certain meals are ordered from the local chine place. they will also deliver a tub of pineapple wedges. From experience, I have found that I am the only one that will eat this pineapple. Everyone else just angers me and lets it waste away. So from now on, I eat their pineapple. I eat it up.
Not this here tub though. The mold got this one!
Kefir Cultured Milk Smoothie
This is a milk smoothie type that I bought thinking that this was regular milk. HOw I got stuck with this you tell me! What Kefir sells is basically yogurt. Strawberry yogurt. I suppose I could have used this for something or I could have just eaten it, but I didn't. It's dead.
Old Palace Fried Chicken
This is older chicken someone must have saved thinking it would always be good for later. Instead, that person just plum forgot they ever bought it . This was chicken that probably sat in a heat tray for close to 8 hours before it was purchased by someone near 2am for a dollar, brought home, left out for hours, and then put away in the fridge uncovered as an afterthought.
Let the fools have their tar-tar sauce! - so sayith Mr Burns
Fools and their tartar sauce. Is there anything else to do with tartar sauce except serve it with fried fish? I am not sure. And I have never seen fried fish in this home. Plus I was on a rollll baby and there was garbage that needed to be tossed. So this here squeeze jar got thrown away with the rest of everything else in this world.
Failed Bean Pasta Meal
I made this meal out of pasta and beans. This would have been an amazing series of meals. A full week of bean pasta dishes. Bean pasta with cheese. Bean pasta with crackers. Bean pasta with beer, you name it. The only tiny reason I had to abandon this was because I accidentally dumped in a whole tub of crushed red pepper. And believe me I TRIED to salvage this. All the sour cream and milk in the world wouldn't stop your bowels from acting up the next day. This was toxic.
Pio Pio Riko onions
Pio Pio makes a fantastic calamari dish. I was never a big squid person until Pio Pio. When you order calamari from Pio Pio, you get a delicious bin of green sauce, and a tub of onions. Here are some of those onions, a scant few months old, that have turned a dynamic shade of teal.
Old rice meal
Rice and chicken maybe. With plenty of toothpaste-like mold.
Why anyone (me) expected to eat this later is beyond me. Actually, while writing about all these pieces of filets I realized somewhere that I am actually the one to blame for this. All of these half assed meals left to rot, all these leftovers with no future and shady histories.. they are all from me.
Deaner's Sunday Sauce (failed)
If I deserve the salt in my body, this will one day be made into an article. As you can see, it has a hilarious ending. There is a whole lot of mold growing on this thing. This was made for the Superbowl, 6 prior. What I SHOULD have done to preserve this was freeze the mess, but I didn't. You see it was a failed experiment and tasted like burnt garlic. Instead, I let it sit and grow some of the thickest mold I've ever seen from a refrigerator. Maybe I should have tried to make snowballs from this mold, but I didn't. This was a whole lot of waste.
Olives from Rachel's are good- but it is important to remember that they must always be used or they will go bad very quickly. I don't know what this says about the olive quality, but the pre-mushy ones are always going to be a bad choice. Nearly always a bad choice.
Refrigerated Long Island City Bread
I am holding here two slices of bread that have been refrigerated for later. Well, Bread! The time of reckoning is now. You will be consumed in a tub of hate. You and all your nasty brothers will be stomped into a compact heap, with my left foot and then my right foot. Left, right, left, right into a small pack of filth. And you all deserve it.
Amazing Beef Jerky
Beef jerky from Chinatown. Amazing beef jerky sold to you hot. You can choose chicken, pork, beef or extra hot beef. Here is some that Ben bought months ago and let waste and now he can't believe that he totally forgot all about it. Sorry Ben! Into the trash they go!
From Worcester MA.
The only Italian sub I would trust with my life. It is very frustrating that I let this amazing sub go to waste because there is not a place here that will sell a traditional, Worcester style, Italian sub. With NO mayonnaise thanks. And hots damn you. More hots. Christ. Try going to the Italian deli here in NY and ask for "hots". Back at your face: "Hot sauce??"
This city is full of assholes.
And then rice. Rice can keep for years if it is left dry. This was probably very dry rice, but not dry enough to fight away the world of the garbage bin. Toss 'd.
Precooked Polish Kielbasa
I don't remember when exactly this was bought, but I do know they were left open and were a month past the only date visible. Which means off it goes. To be stomped into oblivion.
Kielbasa from Last Article
This is the same kielbasa from here. Still in existence, aged a ripe 6 months. Which makes the last time I wrote about this same kielbasa ten months ago. My how time flies doesn't it! There is no time for looking back through. Just like they say in the park after hours:
Poor me. A healthy full lasagna bought from neighbor Carmines that I totally let go to waste. This is great lasagna. The type of lasagna Garfield would put away by the pound. Good cheese, good pasta, great sauce, sold boiling hot. Still looking mighty fresh, this plate. Gone with the garbage. Maybe I shouldn't have thrown this away but I didn't know what to do. Is two-week old lasagna still considered fresh if it looks like this? Probably yes, but in this article- no. Au revior suckers.
Expired Milk - 1 month
More milk. I only know so many fun facts about rotted milk, so what I will do is give all you folksy readers out there a concession right now. I have hereby conceded to organic milk. No more will I buy non-organic milk at least in this city. Something is rotten in the state of nyc milk. I am SICK of abandoning smelly milk a full week before expiration. Organic milk is without a doubt, superior.
This was Ben's sushi. What is amazing about this dish is that the fish eggs on the roll have actually turned fluorescent blue due to either mold or bacteria. Maybe both. There might be someone out there rubbing their thighs out of desire to swab those eggs or maybe slice them under a microscope.
Or else its just garbage that needs to be thrown away.
Old Curly Fries
Bens again. Left in the fridge to be dangled in front of his face and then thrown away.
Ben tells me that these curly fries were from Lite-Bites. 'Great curly fries' he laments.
Great for throwing away.
Whole Wheat English Muffins
These english muffins were no doubt left in the fridge to stave off the all-consuming, all-poweful force of rot, which overtakes any and all uneaten food left in this place.
As demonstrated above, the refrigerator is no place to leave uneaten food. The only thing that will happen to food in the refrigerator is that it will start to mold. Slowly, at first, just lapping at the edges, until the food ends up completely covered, completely wasted.
Which is why I threw away these here muffins.
Old Orange in Two Bags
Or a tangerine I am not sure. But two bags. TWO bags! Bags don't need to be chilled... it is a silly thing to leave these in a refrigerator.
So OFF they go.
Stupid Brita Water Filter
HAhaahaaa Ive been waiting for this one. If you remember, I've always hated this filter. Its stupid, bulky, expensive, and besides our fridge was never big enough to support it. Too many things need to be saved you know. Saved so they can be thrown away. Just like this filter machine. The end of line for garbage this is.
AH yes. We all know that chips need to be preserved in the fridge don't we. Otherwise what would happen? Or else they would go bad and would have to be thrown away. That is exactly what would happen if these were left out. SO remember. Preserve those chips, leave them in the fridge to keep them fresh, and enjoy throwing the bag away later on. That's what I did.
Pastry of some sort
I didn't know what this was then, I don't know now. This is some sort of pastry, or maybe an egg sandwich. Maybe it's a homemade strudel we just don't know. Mysteries abound in this kitchen I declare! The only truth is that all life will come to an end, no matter how fruitful, no matter how resilient, no matter how exotic. This thing might have been teeming with life, but away it gets thrown. Gone, destroyed, finished.
Thomas' English Muffin
Hah this is the same batch of english muffins used in the egg poacher article. They were decent then, they are decent now. I am not sure why they declare themselves as the 'original' Nooks & Crannies. That doesn't even make sense. I suppose its just a marketing gimmick.
Hey Thomas, take a look at all the nooks and crannies on my butt cheeks.
ANYWAY this one muffin gets thrown away. Just like everything else in this world.
Hi Ben. How's your birthday cake? This was a birthday cake, from Katy, made for ben. The active ingredient was whiskey. IIIIIII thought it was delicious. The glaze was about 50% bourbon so only whiskey drinkers could truly enjoy this cake. It was a very strong cake. Strong whiskey strong sugar strong preservatives. Ha ha actually there were no preservatives and I ended up throwing away about 1/3 of the cake. I still feel somewhat bad about it but it was not going to get eaten. Especially when a cake is 4 months old. So here's to you, ben.
Nothing to say except I know these arent mine. Look- you can see organic on the label which is the one sure dealbreaker I know of.
This is actually the same string of garlic from the previous article. A scant 6 months old. Which is about 60 in garlic-years, meaning it is still is ok to look at and interact with, but you probably aren't going to consume it. If I knew how to make Soylent Green with this, I would. BUT I don't so instead it gets thrown away.
Multi-Grain Kaiser Rolls
These are rolls that I am sure someone felt like saving for later. Later is now. We have saved it to be destoryed.
These actually might have been the potatoes that I bought and never used. As if everyone here has all read every word I type and now remember that this is the second batch of potatoes featured and think 'HMMM I wonder if Ed was mistaken about those first bag of potatoes. I wonder if this bag was his instead'.
It's time to be frank, kiddos. I am so very sick of describing spoiled food. The only thing I know for sure about these potatoes is that I threw them away in the garbage bin. That is the absolute truth and I am leaving it at that.
Phillips Baby Bello Mushrooms
Refrigerate for Quality it recommends. And just look at the quality of these here mushrooms! Gourmet Mushrooms. Organic Mushrooms. Actually I am impressed these got as eaten as they did.
Old Semi-Cooked Bacon
With a lot of wax paper. This is now gone.
Bag of Mold
Mmmm. Looks good don't it. What was in this bag before all the mold started to grow? Could it have been a bag of cheese? Some beans? Old Fois Gras? We can ponder and wonder and analyze the pixels but it will all be for naught. Because the only thing left in this bag was mold. So off it goes, into the waste paper basket where good mold should go.
This is salsa that was bought for someting. Chips? Gosh knows.
Egg and Onions
This could be a turned into a full meal in a pinch. One onion omelet coming up! Boom done. Meal for one, fried and served hot.
Except this is not a food article. This is a trash article. Everything is destroyed.
I don't know who would have bought this. I sure didn't. I was also convinced that this was going to go to waste so here it is intact, seconds before destruction.
Organic Peanut Butter
This might ahve been a-ok mayo for all I know. But I didnt want to know or fnd out.
Hmm what type of chinese food was this? I see rice, chicken, celery, and are those green marshmallows? Who adds marshmallows to chinese food?? Oh wait it is only mold. I was worried there for almost a full second. Put your mind at ease because this is only chinese food mold.
Blue Cheese Dressing
Hmmm I actually wonder if it was a mistake throwing away this blue cheese. It is great for dipping after all. Though at this point in the cleansing I was on a serious roll. Throwing away everything that wasn't beer. And THIS was not beer. You couldn't even drink this and pretend it was beer. No good no good.
This was bad pesto. Bad very bad. I remember one day wanting to make pasta with pesto so I got this here pesto from across the street and it was horrific. Bad pesto very bad. Don't every buy pesto which has corn oil as the second ingredient. The FUNNY thing about pesto like this is that it is likely the staple used in every Italian restaurant that sells meals under $10. Because cheap ingredients make profits.
I did not profit from this pesto, i just wasted it.
Another sour cream. I think hate sour cream. I have nothing more I want to say about this. Nothing at all.
Oh I like it runny. Fetch hither le fromage de la belle France! MMMMMm!
This was great cheese actually. I tried to put it away but there was so much of it. This was bought for my birthday which was a fabulous thing to receive. My ONLY regret about this cheese was that I don't remember the name of it. It is lost in the bowels of history. Lost and forgotten. Goodbye cheese and my cheese benefactor. Goodbye.
Duck Foie Gras with Truffles. I did not buy this. I just wasted it. Ben got this for my birthday actually, but to be honest I never knew how to use this. Do I spread it on crackers? Do I eat it with a spoon? It is a silly thing, Foie Gras. Also I had no idea but apparently there is a big controversy with the construction of this, which involves force feeding ducks pure fat until their livers become extremely delicious and they literally explode with flavor. Even less humane than delicious veal.
If it was up to me Ben would have given me a 6 pack of Budweiser tallboys.
Which is a fine way to end this shit-tacular article. Good bye.